The general idea here is to start most of these off with relevant lyrics… but the truth is that today, I’m too exhausted to even try.
We all have felt exhausted at some point or another. It’s that point when you just… can’t. Even thinking about doing something feels like exerting too much effort.
I was exhausted a month ago.
Now? I don’t know what this is. It’s something past exhaustion that results in auto pilot mixed with inertia mixed with being rooted in place mixed with feeling like a 2-liter bottle of soda that’s been shaken for a full minute and left sealed on the table.
The physical exhaustion is one thing. And at least now, I understand it. It’s hard to have energy left over for much of anything when your body is trying to fight off cancer *and* itself (autoimmune). The mental exhaustion is another, and also understandable. I’ve been searching for answers since late April, and only just now have a partial answer. It’s one I didn’t anticipate, but it’s a start.
I don’t know what the rest is. Soul exhaustion? Spirit exhaustion? Maybe it doesn’t need defined.
I’m finding it’s the quiet moments that get to me. That brief pause after I finish getting ready in the morning, sitting on my bed. The few seconds after getting in my car, before I turn the key. When I shut down my laptop. When I turn off the TV. Anytime I don’t immediately have a “next” thing to do.
That’s the moment that gets filled with a “Fuck. Cancer.” Not “fuck cancer.” “Fuck. Cancer.”
Here’s hoping for some progress on answers this week. I have three doctors’ visits scheduled – dermatologist and rheumatologist for autoimmune follow up, and a genetics counselor for cancer-related testing.
Stay tuned, I guess!