And now it’s time for a breakdown….

Ok, not really, but it has been a terrible week.

I very much reached both the anger and petulant child stages of coping. I spent the first few days of the week super mad about everything. Mad that I have cancer again. Mad that it’s worse than we thought. Mad that I have to have chemo again. Mad that my family has to go through this again. Mad that Travis has to go through this. Just big mad.

The latter half of the week was basically me whining and stomping my feet and saying “I don’t wanna” a lot. Not really, but internally. And I don’t. But ya know, we don’t believe in compassionate euthanasia in these parts so here we are.

Have I mentioned the dark sense of humor coming out? No? Well. It has.

The chemo regimen has changed. I don’t really even know what it is now. My brain was not functional enough while talking to my doctor. Luckily I have chemo class on Wednesday so I’ll be able to nail it down then.

My surgery site is a little worrisome. It’s not red or warm, but it is clearly very fluid filled. It’s been getting worse. I go see my surgeon on Wednesday so I’m hoping she will drain it then. It’s past uncomfortable and into much discomfort and even a little pain.

I asked for a referral to the psychiatrist to try to work on my depression meds. I can feel that coming on with a vengeance, and the longer I wait to address it, the longer it will take to work.

My appetite is basically gone. I can’t really tell if my sense of taste is back or not, but I just don’t have an interest in eating. I’m trying to make sure that I force decent food down, so it’s been smoothies and soup of late. Power ade.

I’m also dealing with basically full body pain. From the tips of my toes to the hair follicles on my head. Everything. Hurts. Muscles. Joints. Moving sucks. But when you don’t move, everything gets stiff. And then everything hurts. Hell of a catch-22.

Send a few good thoughts into the universe if you read this. I could use them.

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